Big Wide World

i am not yet a parent. and i don't pretend to know anything about what it's like to raise children, or how to raise them.

but there is one thing that i think that i do know. if your child sucks at something that they probably will never be able to get better at, for the love of god, tell them. case in point, singing. if your child dreams of being a singer, rock star, r&b star, whatever, and they can't sing a note on key if you shoved that key down their throats, why in hell would you not tell them. you're not doing them any favours. they just end up going on American Idol (or Canadian Idol, cause i have to represent my peeps) and making an ass of themselves.

point number two (and this is something i am qualified to make some comments about). i DO NOT, for the life of me, understand how these people, who HAVE TO know that they, um, SUCK, can go on a show that millions of people watch (i'm not sure why either, b/c the only good thing about that show is the auditions, but that's another matter) and make absolute and total asses of themselves. and i know what making an ass of yourself is, as anyone who has ever seen me drink will attest to. i have pretty much fallen on my ass (literally) quite a bit. but even i have my embarrassment cut off level, even after a bottle of sherry.

so, the lesson of the day is: sober people make bigger asses of themselves and to greater masses of people, the level to which the rest of us drunkards can't even imagine coming close to (guy in heidi outfit), and parents, either tell your children then suck (no sugar coating, no mary poppins), or, teach them to drink early, cause they'll just make an ass of themselves to a small crowd that, in all likelihood, are also pretty drunk, and they won't remember the shame in the morning either. not like the sober kids that yelp and put themselves on video for all to enjoy and shake their heads in awe, feeling better about their own inadequacies.

p.s. my boss is SOOO much cooler than me, b/c she met, the one, the only, david bowie. that's right. talked to him for 10 minutes. i suck, but does it could, and can i be, within the 6 degrees of separation of david bowie if my boss met him, or does it not work that way?

Do you ever have those days were you feel like the dumbest person in the room? what about when you're alone in that room?

yes, most of the time, i feel pretty good on the braininess spectrum, after all, i did pick out all 9 of the 'f''s in the paragraph, while supposedly, most people only see 6. and most of the time, i realize that that chain letter asking for me to send it to everyone i know b/c microsoft will donate a penny for every email, isn't the real deal (though that little girl in moscow with all the burns must be real b/c she managed to get to a computer through all that pain and take the time to write a chain letter), but let's face it, there are lots of people much smarter than me.

for example, and this is what started me on this pathetic journey of move me to hillbilly country and i'll feel right at home introspection was the Book "Kids who invented the popsicle". now, ok, i'll admit that taking a fruit drink and sticking a, well, stick, into it and freezing it isn't rocket science (something else i will never be able to do), but, man, children are inventing things that are at least making them money, and most of the time, i can't find my keys.

though, i discovered that there is a solution for all of us that have the capacity to understand just how dumb we are. the trick is finding something that comes easy to you. like, i went on a kid's website and starting doing all the quizzes that are made for children. and for a while it worked. but then, i discovered the danger of doing this. this is an important warning. if you're going to go on a kids website and do quizzes that are designed to be for kids, and therefore, pretty easy, make sure that you can, in fact, solve all the quizzes. damn it, what's rvsiu unscrambled?

Further, there's a theory of 'the basic laws of human stupidity', which outlines the 3rd (and golden) basic law: that human beings fall into four basic categories: the helpless, the intelligent, the bandit, and the stupid. now, let's say i subscribe to this notion. well, i'm not helpless. true, i burn water, but compared to one particular person i knew (we'll call her valley girl from BC), who didn't know how to turn her heater on (when it was unplugged), then, i'm not that helpless. and to make a long story short, i still can't figure out rvsiu, and i'm not a bandit. so that only leaves one (4-1-1, er, yeah, i'm pretty sure.. yup, that leaves just one). so maybe living amongst hillbillies (or one of my ex's) isn't such a bad idea. i hope that they don't start taking the warning labels off of everything, then i'd be in huge trouble.

Random thought of the day: "Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in."

yeah, today, for some unknown reason, was a very cynical...it's not like me at all. absurdly cynical day. but i think i have a theory. its b/c it started at 6:45 am.

well really, tell me that you wouldn't be cynical if that early in the morning, your first registered, awake thought, is a reaction to the words "FREE AIR" advertised at a gas station. for all that is good and holy... why? i don't mean to be a complainer, but i can't handle something like that in the hours before the sun comes up. i haven't had my coffee yet, i haven't eaten, hell, i still haven't put the makeup on, and i'm subjected to such absurdity.

i know what the whole "free air thing" at the gas station is about. no need to explain. but, just for the sake of my sanity (and for my fellow protester in guatemala or something like that, who protested against the patenting of water), call it something else: "complimentary air" is good. and i'm sure there are others. but when you take a concept that is abundant in quanitity, and needed for survival, and therefore for the enjoyment of all, which presumably means free, then don't take a big oil company, who is already making money on something that is natural, and then out of the goodness of their hearts, giving us free air.

but the day did end well. i watched dancing with the stars. NO, i'm not kidding. i'm a sucker for it. i get all anxious when they dance, my toes curl, my muscles in get all tense, and i love it. the best today, stop making fun of me, was Drew Lachey and his "pasa doble" to michael jackson's thriller. AWESOME (i am a geek, i know it, don't tell me something i already know). but, come on, it was freaking awesome.

that's right, you can read, and you have read that CORRECTLY.

not really though. here's the story. a guy from... well, one of those villages that are missing an idiot, got a kidney transfer. and, lord forbid, he should thank everyone who has given him a second chance at life, NO, he is turning around, and suing the very people that extended his life. talk about no appreciation.

basically, he got a female kidney. and ever since the operation (or more likely since he found out it was a female kidney), he says that his friends (drinking?) are making fun of him b/c he's acting more like a woman (what does that even mean?), and (get ready my female friends), he's doing more women's jobs: like knitting and ironing (um, dude, i'm a woman, been a woman for YEARS [lol] and i don't iron you pansy). yeah, apparently, his female kidney, which somehow has some kind of female biological identity, is making him act more like a woman. i don't know. laughter comes to mind. i mean, i can imagine that an organ might make you act more like a woman, if it was a 'female' organ, like an ovary or something, and even then, its just cause you can now have children. i don't know what makes us form gender identities; i'm pretty sure that its a combo of nature/nurture. whatever, the point is this, whatever it is that makes us more 'male' or 'female' on the spectrum, i'm pretty sure its not an opposing gender organ. though, i'm sure some of that laughter that's coming your way might make you a little less full of it, bring down that testosterone, and just make you less of an ass.

it either case, either we are all stupid, or our random organs contain gender identities. i highly doubt it, and i'm going with the conclusion that its just ridiculousness, but, it just shows that people will try anything for a quick buck. i hope that he's doing that knitting bare foot in the kitchen and someone's peeling him/her? a grape. AY YAY YAY. Ay Dios Mio! O Moj Boze!

this is who you elected...

MEDICARE
* "We also support the exploration of alternative ways to deliver health care. Moving toward alternatives, including those provided by the private sector, is a natural development of our health care system" (lets give him a good disease, take away his money, and let the good times roll)

SOCIAL PROGRAMS
*(read as positive) "Universality has been severely reduced: It is virtually dead as a concept in most areas of public policy. The family allowance program has been eliminated and unemployment insurance has been seriously cut back"

*"These [federal government] proposals included cries for billions of new money for social assistance in the name of 'child poverty' and for more business subsidies in the name of 'cultural identity'. In both cases I was sought out as a rare public figure to oppose such projects. ..."

CULTURE/NATIONALISTIC SPIRIT
* (when asked "Is there a Canadian culture?" Harper replied:
"Yes, in a very loose sense. It consists of regional cultures within Canada, regional cultures that cross borders with the US. We're part of a worldwide Anglo-American culture. And there is a continental culture." (lets sell it all off, and just run "the bachelor" all day long)

*"We don't need a second Liberal party. Westerners, but especially Albertans, founded the Reform/Alliance to get 'in' to Canada. The rest of the country has responded by telling us in no uncertain terms that we do not share their 'Canadian values.' Fine. Let us build a society on Alberta values."

[i love when conservatists talk about a national party]
"If Ottawa giveth, then Ottawa can taketh away. This is one more reason why Westerners, but Albertans in particular, need to think hard about their future in this country. After sober reflection, Albertans should decide that it is time to seek a new relationship with Canada. It is time to look at Quebec and to learn. What Albertans should take from this example is to become 'maitres chez nous'."

FOREIGN POLICY/NATIONAL SECURITY
* "This government's only explanation for not standing behind our allies is that they couldn't get the approval of the Security Council at the United Nations — a body [on] which Canada doesn't even have a seat." (like his best buddy, he too doesn't recognize the United Nations. the lyrics: we don't need no stinking rules come to mind).

* "The time has come to recognize that the US will continue to exercise unprecedented power in a world where international rules are still unreliable and where security and advancing of the free democratic order still depend significantly on the possession and use of military might." (i'm like that guy who can't get laid, but i have a cool friend who will give me his left overs so i kiss ass as much as i have to. should i bend over now?)

HUMAN RIGHTS/POLITICAL ACCOUNTABILITY
*human rights commissions, "as they are evolving, are an attack on our fundamental freedoms and the basic existence of a democratic society. It is in fact totalitarianism. I find this is very scary stuff."

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT WE ELECTED A MAN THAT COMES FROM THE TEXAS NORTH. do not touch my rights as a woman, do not take away equality rights, do not touch healthcare, in fact, do nothing at all, and there will be no problems.

-quotes come from http://www.straightgoods.ca/ViewFeature6.cfm?REF=27

all niceties aside, people are sheep. not everyone. i know a lot of really smart people who take the time to find out about something beyond what they hear in the media, they take time to form their own informed opinions, they read between the propaganda lines, and they don't follow suit based on knee-jerk reactions, emotions, and popular belief. but then there are too many that do.

take the following as example: the CHP (christian heritage..) would "provide women facing an unanticipated pregnancy with comfort, counsel and material aid — to help them find non-lethal solutions. The Alan Guttmacher Institute reports that in more than 60% of abortions, the woman’s choice was coerced by a boy-friend father, husband, or other authority-figure. Women and babies ought to be protected against such coercion!. honestly, take the fact that this is a christian organization, and i'm to believe that they are going to care that i don't abort b/c they don't want me to be exploited? or is it more likely that they care more about pro-choice (which is in their front line description)? i can take some singular "report" which sounds official and proper, and use that as standard to back up my opinions that "women cause a break down in society b/c they work outside of the home". DON'T MAKE IT TRUE. but some have suggested it in "official" research reports. bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

also, the minute something semi-big happens, people turn to fear as comfort. SARS! people panicked. and yes, some died, but, in reality, more people die each year from the flu. and, take what jay hit on briefly, the government is so ineffective that they waste MILLIONS EVERYDAY, the ad scandal is a laugh compared to that.

but do people care? do they take the time to find out? no! baahhhhhh. they're too busy driving their SUVs and living in homes that they can't afford b/c they feel better about themselves. fucking stop pissing me off and get some fucking sense. liberals aren't perfect, but christ, steven harper is a puppet, and he is not to be trusted. i don't mean to offend here, but i'm not comfortable with any prime minister that is goign to be so obsessed with pleasing the (u.s.) president. we have to care about what we as canadians want, not what some other country wants us to do. harper is like that kid in high school that did what you told him to do b/c he wanted to prove that he wasn't a geek, and that he was "cool". add to that that he's a conservative (hey harper, do you have anything to say beyond the fact that the liberals wasted millions in the scandal?)

beyond that, and i think i mentioned this before, you CANNOT, i repeat, CANNOT, be a minority and vote for conversatives. how can you use the very rights that you have been GIVEN (and your predecessors fought for) and in the same turn say that you don't want gays to have the same rights. it makes no sense you useless waste of air. i'm a little bitter, yes, b/c i see what's going on in the polls. wake up! consider your life, do you like what you have, do you enjoy your rights, well, kiss em goodbye if you're a woman, a minority, gay, or disabled, oh yeah, and not rich. it's not what they say, its what they did politically in the recent past that you should pay attention to.

before i end my day, i find myself compelled to comment about a particular story that was in the news yesterday.

a german man, who happens to be a cannibal, ate a man who apparently demanded to be eaten (guess you'll use that term carefully next time). not a joke. this is his defence. he claims that (good god i wish i was making this up) he was only carrying out the man's wishes to be eaten and did not intend to kill him: "i wanted to eat him, but i didn't want to kill him" (question #1: how do you eat someone and not kill them?). he was given 8.5 years in jail, and didn't get a life sentence b/c the court concluded that the man wanted to be eaten (huh, so i know i won't be using that term EVER again). this is what he did. he severed the victims, um, penis, and BOTH attempted to eat it, 'without success' (gee, really?). when the man bled to death, the cannibal prayed. and after praying, and after thinking that the man was dead, he plunged a knife into his neck (no, no attempts to kill the guy, at all, i often plunge knives into peoples necks for the hell of it).

his lawyers argued that the death was a killing on request, a sort of euthanasia. and in order to get a conviction, the prosecution had to prove that Meiwes (the cannibal) killed the victim not only b/c the victim wanted to be eaten, but b/c of his own desires (which could apparently be proven b/c he taped the whole thing and later watched it for sexual gratification). can you imagine? prosecution actually had to try to PROVE that Meiwes wanted to eat/kill the guy b/c HE wanted to. is this not apparent? picture this defence lawyer though. you have to use the tape b/c it shows that the victim "wanted to be eaten" but realize that it also proves the prosecutions case b/c why else would you tape an act like that if not to watch it again and enjoy or benefit from it later.

this is too much. i don't even know where to begin. what in the hell??? too many comments, my brain is going to explode. i'll leave it to you for now, but i know two things for sure, (1) i don't know which of these guys is more screwed up; (2) i'm pretty sure no man wants his penis hacked off and eaten, unless he's real screwed up, and then i'd try to work that in as a defence in there somehow.

i have attained my goal of being within 6 degrees of kevin bacon. and in no less than a day. through the beauty and power of blogging, a fellow blogger (thank you C.C.) has connected me to the one and only, kevin bacon. now what do i do with the rest of my 348 days left in the year.

what to do? what to do? what to do? when i come up with something useless and trivial to invest my time in, i shall let you know.

now on to my latest adventures in consumeristic incompetance. i went to future shop yesterday (i know, the horror), with the aim of buying a new dvd player. i wanted dvd/divx for sure. i found a $150 dvd player (can't recall the brand) that will play divx. nice. oh, here's the thing. i've just bought it, when i read the disclaimer (i'm in law, i should read the disclaimer FIRST). it says that some dvd-r might not work. so i ask the guy, in the dvd department (wait for it) what that means. he explains that due to recording differences, blah blah blah. basically, he says that if i record movies on standard dvd-r i won't have problems. but i ask him about dvd+r and he says no, it WILL NOT play.

but despite the fact that i know i used dvd+r, i take his assurances that i probably didn't use dvd+r, i take the thing home, happy day. i get home, and guess what, all my recorded movies (dubbed for safely in case the original that i bought, uh-huh, scratches)are dvd+r. but, i'm frustrated, and i say hell with it, i'll just try it just in case. and low and behold... they work just fine. to my surprise and awe, the sales guy at future shop was wrong? but, how can this be? they are in their specialized departments because they know more than us, the laypersons, the know-nothings. we pay the prices we pay for their guidance, their assurances, their knowledge. their commission. how naive was i, did i really believe that he knew what he was talking about? good god, i did. lesson learned. don't believe anything the future shop guys says.

here are my two thoughts of the day:

its jan. 17, and i'm already hearing about people who made New Years resolutions, and are failing them, quitting them, or just plain letting it slide. why do people still make these resolutions, when they KNOW that if they make one, it's just not going to happen. but that starting me thinking, and i concluded that i wanted to make a resolution that was fun and something that probably wouldn't succeed in the first place. so, here's my new resolution for 2006. it is my aim to be in the 6 degrees on kevin bacon. that's right. i have to somehow get connected, under 6 seperations, to the one and only, kevin bacon (and i don't know any way to direct myself to anything having to do with the woodsman, so that might be a problem). but this is my goal. who can help me out here? i need that first level of me to ___ ? (who).

how can any nobody with even a slight 15 minutes of fame be connected back to Kevin, and not me? i mean, no, i'm not famous, nor did i do any movies, or commercials, or anything remotely close to getting me close to kevin bacon, but, i know lots of people. one of them has to be good for something (joking, i love you). so instead of worrying about wars, or disease, or canadian politics (and the likes of mindless robots getting into power), i will spend my minutes of pondering trying to connect the dots between me and kevin. oh, and this has to happen with as little effort as possible, b/c, well, as much as i love kevin, i have a kazillion other things more pressing. remember, i have all year.

oh, and according to an internet "test" that i did, i am only 47% or so drama queen. what the hell? i know, like 100%, that i am, in fact, wayyyy more of a drama queen than just something in the 40's. jipped. cheated. i even lied and answered something more drama than i would do in real life, and i still only got 47%. damn it, i can make myself cry on demand, i can freak out at whim, and i create drama with the best of them. i am soooo, a total drama queen. that'll teach me to trust internet personality 'tests'.

now, i admit, i'm a little crazy when it comes to some things. but, well, we all have our tendencies. but i'd like to think (stop me if i'm wrong) that it's more the "wow, that's funny crazy, what a freak you are" kindof crazy. like not being able to write with pencils etc etc etc (well, if i'm honest, etc etc etc etc etc and so on :))

but, here's the necessity. i'm aware of my crazies, i embrace them, and please, good god, i try to control myself. some, apparently, how none of this capacity for self evaluation.

case in point, and i'm sorry that i have to mention this, but i caught a clip of "the bachelor" and wow, psycho girl. the woman comes on saying that she's looking for a husband, b/c her eggs are rotting (no joke, she actually said rotting). girl, not cool. control yourself. you meet a pretty boy, you find out he's a doctor, please, refrain from throwing yourself on him, and telling him how badly you want him to father his children. i mean, that's cool if that's what you want, but really, not the first time you meet the man. sheesh. and then, psycho confronts him, all angry, b/c she has to even ask why he didn't select her to come back. um, i know, its cause you just met, and you're already planning on where your children are going to go to college. he didn't pick you b/c you SCARED him.

i'm not big with "the rules" or anything. but i'm going to go with telling a man that you want to have his children and saying that your eggs are rotting, not a way to win a man. yes? no?

i sold out. i sold my soul to the devil, the price was high, but the reward was surprisingly sweet.

yup, man, you can't trust anybody's word anymore.

i hang my head in shame. i still can't believe i did it. i've been saying i wouldn't do it, i promised that i wouldn't allow myself to do it, but, nevertheless, i caved, and i allowed myself the pleasure.

i couldn't help myself. i knew it was wrong, but i heard my friends talking about it, and they seemed to like it, so what could i do. i was bored, and weak. and i sacrificed myself, my intergrity, my word, my comtempt, for 2 hours of satisfaction.

yes, i went and rented War of the Worlds. i'm so ashamed. arg arg arg. what can i say, there wasn't really anything else to see. and i hate myself for it. why am i making such a deal about this? b/c for those of you that know me, i've banned tom cruise, that self-righteous, pompous, egotistical i-know-everything-cause-i'm-a-scientologist-and-you-know-nothing cause you're insignificant, maniac. but i heard that it was a good movie, and i just really wanted to see it. my integrity to myself was sold out for a cheap 2 hour thrill. i'm an entertainment sci-fi wh*re.

imagine your job. now, i know that there are some people out there that HATE their jobs. i remember that feeling, after all, i worked retail for 7 years. and we all tend to bit*h about our jobs. and yes, there are some really crappy jobs out there. but imagine this. some people in the states (ah, the good ol' u.s.of.a) get to work for an employer that not only tells them what they can or cannot do at work, their employers get to dictate (and i use that work purposefully) what they can and cannot do outside of work. yeah, that's right. that's worse than communism. that's, what is that?

apparently, their employers forbit these employees to socialize together after work, or go to eachothers weddings or funerals. now, i ain't dumb, nope. i understand that it's mostly b/c if they 'hang' they will all try to take off the same days etc. can you imagine the nerve of these people. how dare they try to work together for 8 hours a day, five days a week, thousands of hours together, spend more time with fellow works than with family, but, geez, how dare they try to socialize and become friends. so, we'll solve that problem, we'll just FORBIT it. um, if my employer tried to do that, well, he wouldn't by my employer for long. i'm a team player and i'm pretty adaptive to the demands of my boss, when appropriate or necessary, and within reason. but as much as i like working where i work, i'm sorry, but i'll be damned before my employers try to dictate what i'm going to do outside of what they pay me for. i don't let people i love dictate to me, nevermind some random boss that most of these people don't even know.

and here's the thousand dollar question of the day, in light of the recent developments in the states: is it better to be a slave and know it, or be a slave and think that you're free? i know what i think, but i'll let you think about your feelings about this. and no cheating, don't think about the matrix.

so you think you're free? so you think that you have choice? well, boys and girls, let my tell you a tale. it's a simple tale, its true. there once were two girls who tried to catch a cab in ottawa. they were exhausted from all their shopping and getting ready for their big night in bringing in a new year. and the town that they were in was brutally chilly and windy. with everything that they had to carry, they could not face the exhausting and freezing walk home. so they decided that they would seek the services of a taxi cab. these girls were very lucky, for they spotted 3 cabs, all in a row, standing and waiting for riders. but one of these girls is a local to the town of ottawa, and she preferred one of the cab companies over all the others in the land. and the cab that she chose was the second in line. so she went to the cab and asked whether this man wanted to make some money driving these girls home. but no, boys and girls, as these two girls stood freezing in the cold, the man shook his head. it appeared that he did not want their coin, and he told them that they had to go to the first cab in line. but one of these girls was not impressed, and she asked "but what if i don't want that one, i want this one?", and the man replied, "no mam, i cannot take you, you have to go to the taxi in front". so these girls were forced to do what the man told them, or face the freezing walk home.

so, sadly, we live in a world in which even the cab that you want to take is not in your power to chose. now, i realize, its not that big a deal. but start putting all these little things together, and you have to realize that you're not free. you are told each and everyday, multiple times, that in fact, what you can do, you are allowed to do. and even that is limited to what "they" allow you to do. but you/we don't usually say anything, b/c you/we don't realize that we are allowed little allowances of the illusion of choice so that we stay in our places and so we don't cause any trouble.

freedom is like santa claus and the easter bunny darlings... its a nice little story to tell the children, but it just doesn't exist.